Well this is it – I am 59 days away from being the first college graduate in the history of my family. Fifty – nine days from leaving the place that has become home for the last three years. Fifty-nine days from wearing a gown that will probably trip me while I wear ridiculously high heels in order to make myself feel pretty. I have 59 days left to be a part of SBC, a part of all of your lives. And I intend to embrace every minute that I have left.
However, since I came to school half way through first semester I should probably introduce myself before I get all excited about graduation and leaving. My name is Rebecca Reimer. I like my name quite a bit; in fact I liked it so much that seven months, eleven days, and twenty two hours ago I married a man to get it. Rebecca Reimer – it has a nice ring to it doesn’t it? Before I met the man who gave me his last name I lived in southwestern Ontario in a tiny town called Dresden during my growing up years. Although I still do not actually feel like a grownup, ring, husband, house and all - I definitely did grow in my time at SBC.
Let me tell you, sitting in that chair, having someone accuse me of lying, and having to face his family’s glares …. I’m still not sure where to go with this. It sits in my head all the time, coming back at the worst times. God, help me to come back to life…
Watching a movie to make my brain be quiet? Or sleeping? Im not sure which one will be more peaceful.. Prayers and love are appreciated!
I lay in my bed screaming inside, wondering why God has shoved me into this corner.
“God what do you want from me??!?!” I scream.
“I want you to listen to me”
“Let it go, be free, claim freedom in Christ”
Confusion hits me, isn’t this what I have been doing for the last 9 months? Letting go? But no, I have been holding onto something,
Things have been crazy with work and moving and everything and I realized today that alot is going to change in the next few months. I’m getting married! I’m going to live with a boy! It’s all a little bit scary but I’m enjoying every step of it :)
On to the topic this blog is supposed to be about, I’ve been talking to my sister about progress in healing from sexual abuse lately and I realized that healing is possible. I had to go back to the job that brought back the flashbacks and started this whole process last year and it’s not as bad as I thought it would be. I just have to control my mind. I can’t let myself think about last summer or about the flashbacks. I have thought about them and I’ve given him enough of my time. No more. I’ve done the grieving and the counselling and the talking about it when I need to. But I don’t want to do this anymore, I want to move on. If I ever have to face him again I’ll deal with it then but for now, I choose to think on other positive uplifting things. Life is about choices right? Prayers are appreciated as I continue to fight this battle with my mind! Hopefully I can continue giving you good news and encouragement from what’s going on in my life!
P.S. Never stop fighting for who you want to be!
Hey guys, it feels like forever since I’ve written a decent blog and I know for a fact that it has been at least a month since I’ve actually sat down to write something.
It’s been craziness since I got engaged! Life gets about three times as busy - but it’s a good busy… Every one who’s married has been telling us to enjoy this time and so we have been :)
I completed my counselling sessions a few weeks ago. My counsellor thinks I’m at a good place in my life and I mostly agree. But this week in marriage counselling, our counsellor brought up the fact that I had never shared with Trevor what had actually happened with my past of sexual abuse. He thought openness about this would be really healthy for our relationship and suggested that at the right time and place we talked about it.
It got me thinking about all of this… Why hadn’t I shared it with Trevor yet? I realized it was for several reasons: one, because I didn’t want him to be hurt and two, because there is still shame associated with it, even though I know it wasn’t my fault.
I realized then that although I thought I had been free for some time already, I was still holding on to a bit of that shame. I don’t know why I held on, it’s the last thing I thought I would intentionally do. Perhaps it was to remind myself of what an injustice he had done to me, I’m not sure. But as I was thinking about this I realized that I needed to let go of whatever it was I was holding on to.
So I told Trevor. And even though my voice broke and several times I didn’t think I could go on, I told him the story of how I was broken. And when I was done, there was freedom. A new kind, different than what I had experienced before, more complete I suppose. He is the first person I have actually personally told the story to and I have no regrets about it. In fact, I’m really glad our marriage counsellor brought it up.
I’m not sure where we’ll go from here, I hope and pray that my past of sexual abuse won’t affect our marriage - I have great hope that it won’t actually. That is a part of my life I am willing to leave behind so that I can have a complete life with Trevor in marriage. There is a new openness in our relationship and I feel like Trevor now knows me in a clearer way than any other human being.
That shame and bitterness and pain I’ve been feeling, I’ve decided to leave it all at the cross and let Jesus completely heal me and fill me with love and forgiveness. Telling Trevor was one step closer to being complete again.
Eight months ago I was completely broken, today I feel more complete than I have in a long time. God is doing great things in my life and I’m excited to see what happens next!
If you’re wondering why I refuse to drink or do drugs, ever.
I just learned about this, I’m going to be more careful!