Hey guys, it feels like forever since I’ve written a decent blog and I know for a fact that it has been at least a month since I’ve actually sat down to write something.
It’s been craziness since I got engaged! Life gets about three times as busy - but it’s a good busy… Every one who’s married has been telling us to enjoy this time and so we have been :)
I completed my counselling sessions a few weeks ago. My counsellor thinks I’m at a good place in my life and I mostly agree. But this week in marriage counselling, our counsellor brought up the fact that I had never shared with Trevor what had actually happened with my past of sexual abuse. He thought openness about this would be really healthy for our relationship and suggested that at the right time and place we talked about it.
It got me thinking about all of this… Why hadn’t I shared it with Trevor yet? I realized it was for several reasons: one, because I didn’t want him to be hurt and two, because there is still shame associated with it, even though I know it wasn’t my fault.
I realized then that although I thought I had been free for some time already, I was still holding on to a bit of that shame. I don’t know why I held on, it’s the last thing I thought I would intentionally do. Perhaps it was to remind myself of what an injustice he had done to me, I’m not sure. But as I was thinking about this I realized that I needed to let go of whatever it was I was holding on to.
So I told Trevor. And even though my voice broke and several times I didn’t think I could go on, I told him the story of how I was broken. And when I was done, there was freedom. A new kind, different than what I had experienced before, more complete I suppose. He is the first person I have actually personally told the story to and I have no regrets about it. In fact, I’m really glad our marriage counsellor brought it up.
I’m not sure where we’ll go from here, I hope and pray that my past of sexual abuse won’t affect our marriage - I have great hope that it won’t actually. That is a part of my life I am willing to leave behind so that I can have a complete life with Trevor in marriage. There is a new openness in our relationship and I feel like Trevor now knows me in a clearer way than any other human being.
That shame and bitterness and pain I’ve been feeling, I’ve decided to leave it all at the cross and let Jesus completely heal me and fill me with love and forgiveness. Telling Trevor was one step closer to being complete again.
Eight months ago I was completely broken, today I feel more complete than I have in a long time. God is doing great things in my life and I’m excited to see what happens next!
“I know how tough it is some days to look with hope and confidence on the months and years ahead, but i would like to tell you what I often told you when you were much younger. I like you just the way you are.” -Mr. Rodgers
Most people will never be magically full of hope.
Sit down, examine yourself, and make the decision -
To REFUSE to lose hope.
It’s funny how life can be so happy and carefree one minute and change drastically in the next. Many of you know that I was sexually abused as a child and that I am now, fourteen years later, finally doing something about it. I’ve been doing really well in the last few weeks, I’ve been strong and able to live my life as if everything were normal. But today a friend asked me how the court thing was going and I didn’t know how to respond. I somehow managed to say something like I was at peace and that I had actually been able to pray for my molester this week but that I didn’t know how this was going to turn out yet. She asked more questions and the more she asked, the more uncomfortable I became. I just wanted to get out of that café and away from her. I thought that I was handling this well, I thought I had gotten stronger than this. But guess what? I’m sitting in my room crying.