Twenty year old, newly married old college student who is figuring out what makes her who she is in this, once again, new stage of life. The name is Rebecca. Life is full of details, some big, some little, but they all sort of fit together to make something beautiful. I started this blog with the intentions of sharing my journey with you, hoping that it would inspire you to make a difference. Who knows? Maybe someday it will.
The Little Things
Nikki: This woman spent so much time praying with me. Listening to my problem, which seemed really vague to talk about. Her unending optimism helped make my days better. As well as her mutual affinity for touch. Her investment into my life continues today, but the effort made during the troubled times is invaluable.
Jess Lord: Without the Lord I would be lost, that can be read both ways. She let me mourn and cry on her. Understood that I just needed to be miserable or couldn’t get out of a funk. Her assurance that she was praying for me and practical level-headed advice kept my soul afloat. Not to mention the mixed cd with wonderful songs on hope.
I have no idea what happened. I was sad but finally thinking about other people again. What was going on with others and in one special case one person who was struggling more than I. The school had a prayer furnace for IMPACT, this time to spend just with God and the prayer meetings with Tori and Nikki. I needed these events even if I couldn’t fully participate with feeling. Talking to God regardless of feelings is vital.
Interpersonal communication, Psychology, Intercultural Missions. I lay much of the blame and power of change on these three classes/events. Through InterPersonal I learned many excellent principles about how to interact with other people in a manner befitting their status as image bearers of God. This was another lesson in the overall theme of my education here. People are valuable and how I interact with them changes everything. Psychology asked me to analyze my childhood, adolescence, the nature and nurture of my existence. Overall so much deep thinking about me, that I started seeing problems everywhere. Finally MX 2, this was a terrible experience. Traumatic. A group that I was not open with and didn’t trust that I had to spend a week with in a Reserve. It was a daunting thing to approach but the actual event was scary beyond belief. I cried every single day. It was an emotional nightmare, I was scared scared scared and angry. I came back to school and immediately ran home to pause life. This was one of the first signs that something was not right. I stopped caring. I started second semester and didn’t enjoy class. I did homework but didn’t love writing like I usually did. I cried far to often. There would be a lump in my throat that I couldn’t get rid of. People supported me, they asked what was wrong. They listened, and loved me even when I was miserable and apathetic. Sadness clouded my every moment, I had days where it made no sense. Why was I sad. I felt like I had no reason to feel this way. This state of being lingered for close to 3 months. In the grand scheme of life this is nothing. I’ve exceptionally grateful that it has been so short yet everyday Interpersonal communication, Psychology, Intercultural Missions. I lay much of the blame and power of change on these three classes/events. Through InterPersonal I learned many excellent principles about how to interact with other people in a manner befitting their status as image bearers of God. This was another lesson in the overall theme of my education here. People are valuable and how I interact with them changes everything. Psychology asked me to analyze my childhood, adolescence, the nature and nurture of my existence. Overall so much deep thinking about me, that I started seeing problems everywhere. Finally MX 2, this was a terrible experience. Traumatic. A group that I was not open with and didn’t trust that I had to spend a week with in a Reserve. It was a daunting thing to approach but the actual event was scary beyond belief. I cried every single day. It was an emotional nightmare, I was scared scared scared and angry. I came back to school and immediately ran home to pause life. This was one of the first signs that something was not right. I stopped caring. I started second semester and didn’t enjoy class. I did homework but didn’t love writing like I usually did. I cried far to often. There would be a lump in my throat that I couldn’t get rid of. People supported me, they asked what was wrong. They listened, and loved me even when I was miserable and apathetic. Sadness clouded my every moment, I had days where it made no sense. Why was I sad. I felt like I had no reason to feel this way. This state of being lingered for close to 3 months. In the grand scheme of life this is nothing. I’ve exceptionally grateful that it has been so short yet everyday in that place was long and inescapable. Stuck without an escape route, no way to fling myself under the bus without trashing my entire life. There was no way to get out. I had no idea what to do, and ultimately I didn’t know if there was anything that I could do. But God gives hope, and hope comes in the morning.
Through out my brief 19 years of life I’d had an easy time. Safe family, they love
me unconditionally and to an extent they spoil me. I’m the youngest child and only girl (one older brother). So I realize that I am blessed, fortunate beyond belief. What reason could I ever have to be depressed. Yet looking onward and into the situations that I found myself in and the way that I reacted I can see some major problems.
Depression is a toad, an ugly unpleasant looking amphibian that won’t leave your house. It’s always looking at you, croaking and making you uncomfortable in the space of your mind. This metaphor might seem a bit strange but it has applied pretty well in hindsight to my experience with depression.
Cuddled up in my new, warm, flannel pajamas and reflecting on this holiday, this year, and all that it brought into my life. 2011, for me, was a year of pain, suffering, hurt, change, anguish, and loss. However, at the same time, it was a year of triumph, of overcoming the odds.
This year, it feels as if I spent more time in appointments - therapy, psychiatrist, gynecologist - than I did at school or at home. While some moments dragged on painfully slowly…I find it hard to believe that it has been an entire year. I can honestly and in my most humble sense say that I did not expect to be here today, to celebrate Christmas 2011 or in a few days, to ring in 2012. I would think about the future and say to myself, ‘I don’t need to worry, I won’t be here’. Somehow, someway, I am proudly and thankfully here and flourishing.
Who knows what 2012 will bring?! I certainly could not have predicted the turn that my life would take as I broke my silence on December 31st, 2010 while watching the New Years Eve special in Vermont. I did not expect what unfolded. My hope for 2012 is that I am again surprised, in ways wonderful and happy, ways beyond my greatest imagination. Though 2011 tried to break me, end me, steal me, I am - tonight - excitedly and contently marching forward into 2012.
if you want me to answer non-anon questions privately, just ask!
(Source: krankenhaus, via lustingforchocolate)
