I lay in my bed screaming inside, wondering why God has shoved me into this corner.
“God what do you want from me??!?!” I scream.
“I want you to listen to me”
“Let it go, be free, claim freedom in Christ”
Confusion hits me, isn’t this what I have been doing for the last 9 months? Letting go? But no, I have been holding onto something,
It’s funny how life can be so happy and carefree one minute and change drastically in the next. Many of you know that I was sexually abused as a child and that I am now, fourteen years later, finally doing something about it. I’ve been doing really well in the last few weeks, I’ve been strong and able to live my life as if everything were normal. But today a friend asked me how the court thing was going and I didn’t know how to respond. I somehow managed to say something like I was at peace and that I had actually been able to pray for my molester this week but that I didn’t know how this was going to turn out yet. She asked more questions and the more she asked, the more uncomfortable I became. I just wanted to get out of that café and away from her. I thought that I was handling this well, I thought I had gotten stronger than this. But guess what? I’m sitting in my room crying.
I’m home for the holidays, and I was going through a box of things trying to find a gift for my sister when I found my diary from this past summer. It was written a few days after I had a panic attack that was caused by flashbacks of childhood sexual abuse.
I’m going to see a counsellor tomorrow. I don’t really know what to expect.
This is part four of a talk I gave to my residence girls. It has been adapted a bit as to fit into my blog, but I hope you enjoy. If you’ve missed any of the earlier posts check out my archive to catch up http://figuringoutwhoiam.tumblr.com/archive. I look forward to the day when I can say that I have conquered this – to the day when we all share stories of God’s victories in our lives. Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. 13 Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. 15 Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you. 16 Only let us hold true to what we have attained. Phil 3:13-16. See, none of us has arrived yet, my faith in God doesn’t mean I’m perfect or that I don’t have problems – It means that I am going somewhere – and wherever that somewhere takes me, it will be with my God. So yes, life is hard right now, yes I hurt, I hurt like I didn’t think I ever could, but I am comforted by God and his love and his plans for me. Despite everything that is going on right now life is good, because God is good – and he will help me get through this just as he wants to help you. I don’t always feel this way – I sound a lot stronger on paper than I feel – I feel weak, I feel helpless and I hurt – but I’m placing my hope in the one who created me, and I know that when I do that I can’t go wrong.
So maybe my story right now is a little extreme, or maybe not. But I’m not the only one with issues – not the only one who has things going on in my life. And I’m definitely not the only one that has secrets. I have shared one of my deepest darkest secret with you guys – and I trust you with it. Will you trust me with yours?
I hope you have been encouraged by my story, but it is far from over. Since I wrote this a lot has happened. I hope you stay tuned to hear more about my journey to healing and freedom.
This is part three of a talk (edited partially to fit my blog) I gave to a few of my girls in residence. If you’ve missed parts one and two click this link for part one, http://figuringoutwhoiam.tumblr.com/post/13416896219, or check out my archive here - http://figuringoutwhoiam.tumblr.com/archive.